This was beautifully and sensitively written and I enjoyed every word. I do want to point out however that someone who fantasizes about pushing the limits and engaging in rough sex is not necessarily a sadist. He’s someone for whom intensity is attractive. There’s a big difference between getting off on hurting people and being involved with BDSM culture.

BDSM is not about hurting someone else — it’s based in consent and mutual respect. And, I can totally get how someone with your background would have no interest at all in anything remotely like that. But I just wanted to make that distinction.

“Mr Allen added that there’s a misconception that the dominant partner — or dom as they are sometimes called — is the one with control.

“A good dom is giving pleasure to the submissive, and that’s what gives the dom pleasure. If it’s only going one way, then that’s when it’s not healthy,” the fetish club organiser said.

Girl on the Net recommended listening carefully, reading the other person’s body language and tone, asking questions to check in and making sure they’re comfortable at every step of play.”

Girl on the Net likened it to a contact sport. “BDSM is to abuse what boxing is to being punched by surprise. The former is done with consent and an understanding of risks. The latter isn’t, and is assault.

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Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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