So exactly right! Poly without the work to really take yourself on, deprogram yourself from harmful relational ideas like possessiveness, or without boundaries is just a hedonistic free-for-all and it’s not going to work very well for very long.
“Getting rid of all social contracts isn’t a path to freedom or happiness. It’s a path to nihilism. In order to have real freedom, you need to understand what both your needs and your boundaries actually are and then co-create social contracts that actually work for you.”
James and I definitely had some bad experiences along the way with people who weren’t doing their own work. Our bumps in our personal journey were when we weren’t doing ours. I feel really fortunate now to have the relationships I do that work so well. It’s not a given that poly will bring what we have. But come to think of it, the long term poly relationships I know of that are working well are all driven by a strong woman — including mine. 😉