An easy access compendium with excerpts
Even before James was interested in having any kind of sexual contact with a man, he thought that the idea of MFM was really exciting. I was glad to hear it, because wanting to explore that is what prompted me to first bring up the subject of opening up in the first place. I wasn’t immediately thinking about DP, as double penetration is typically known, but after a new friend told me about how she’d finally gotten to try it, and really liked it, I thought I would too. I’d been really happy in my relationship with James, but now I wanted to sample all that this new sexual horizon had to offer.
Whether you are doing double Ps in V or one in the front door and one in the back, DP is a sensory smorgasbord and it’s one of my new favorite things for that reason. But, it turns out that DP is not nearly as easy to do as it appears to be in porn. It took us 5 years of trying and 5 different partners before we were finally able to make it work. It was worth the wait though because it is a sexual experience like no other.
The often unspoken rule of thumb of MFM is that the woman is the one who is the center of things and is the ringmaster of sorts, even if the guys are planning to engage with each other. Women need to feel physically and emotionally safe in order to be uninhibited and believe you me, everyone will have a much better time if the woman is comfortable enough to be her most sexually expressed self.
This doesn’t mean that the men can’t suggest what happens next, or take any initiative, but hanging back a bit to let the woman drive the encounter can be one of the things that takes ménage à troi to a new and different place and makes it a uniquely pleasurable experience.
Why Aren’t Straight People Having Better Sex?
A lot of old-fashioned patterns are still in play
“Straight people are afraid to be honest with each other,” he says. “I don’t get questions from gay people that end with, ‘Is this normal?’ Only straight people are invested in this arbitrary, bullshit standard of normality… What we think of as ‘normal sex’ — missionary position, hetero, in the bounds of matrimony, in the dark, no witnesses — that’s not the majority of the sex that goes down any night in this country. Variance is the norm. The odder you are, the more normal you are, paradoxically.”
The very nature of a strongly binary system, where there’s only male and female, gay and straight, leader and follower, tends to encourage conformity and discourage anything that requires vulnerability. This is the world that straight people have been taught to believe in. The good news is, it doesn’t need to remain that way.
We’ve been taught that sexuality is an orientation, and although that isn’t wrong, it also isn’t the entire picture. Recent studies are showing that under the right circumstances, sexual fluidity, particularly for women, may be much more common than anyone ever guessed. Researcher, Lisa Diamond says, “You have an orientation but that orientation is not as deterministic as we think. Our orientation is a fact, but it doesn’t always provide the last word on whom we’re attracted to.” As an erstwhile “straight married” who’d never been with a woman until 5 years ago, this makes perfect sense to me.
Skirt Club capitalizes on that notion, intuited by its founder, Genevieve LeJeune, without ever having seen the supporting data. Sex parties she had attended with her boyfriend left LeJeune feeling unsatisfied and she decided to create a luxurious, safe space where women could explore attraction to each other on their own terms without the distraction of male involvement.
Women Find Their Own Sexiness To Be A Turn On
In a way that doesn’t seem to be true for men
Erotic self-focus sounds like it’s referring to masturbation, but it’s actually something entirely different. The term describes deriving arousal from yourself, oftentimes even more so than your partner, and it seems to be an important part of female sexuality in a way that it isn’t for men.
When sex researcher Marta Meana asked women, “Would you want to sleep with you?” Hell yes, many women basically said, in a way that suggested to Meana that in some sense they already had. Men, on the other hand, mostly didn’t even know what she was talking about, says Wednesday Martin, author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Know About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong And How The New Science Can Set Us Free.
What women want and need before and during sex is to see themselves as sexy and desired. This means not only feeling desirable to their partners but also that women need to feel sexy to themselves as well. This is, of course, a double-edged sword. Women who feel unattractive to themselves are going to have a tougher time feeling attractive to anyone else.
Polyamory Improves My Relationship With My Husband
It’s not an escape from my marriage, it’s an enhancement
In a very monogamy-oriented world, I can understand how some people have a hard time imagining polyamory as something that is a healthy and beneficial addition to an existing committed relationship, but for me, and for many of the polyamorous people I know, that is exactly the case.
We aren’t trying to make our marriages or other committed partnerships more palatable by including other people into our romantic lives; we’re actually enhancing those relationships. My marriage has gotten stronger and deeper as a result of our journey into poly life, which is not to say that it was always an easy ride or that it’s something that everyone should be doing. However, I do want to clarify some misconceptions.
Misconception #1: People who are engaged in polyamory or other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), such as swinging, are tired of their partners and just looking for an approved way to cheat.
Reality #1: First off, it’s not cheating if you and the other people involved are all engaging with each other honestly, openly, and with everyone’s consent. Cheating is when you are going behind someone’s back and lying about it.
I think there is no more judged consensual sexual act than anal sex. Some people love it and a lot of people don’t. No problem — people should do what they want to in the bedroom, but I’ve never come across another sexual activity that stirs up so much polarization and outcry. Even erotic choking and other kinds of BDSM activities don’t seem to be nearly as controversial, perhaps because it’s easier for many people to consider them fringe things that are unlikely to crop up in their own sex lives.
Anal, however, is becoming more mainstream, even for straight men, which is perhaps why it seems that so many now have a strong opinion about it. Love it or hate it, there seems to be little middle ground. But why is anal sex so polarizing and controversial?
I Believe I’m Healing The World By Talking Openly About Sex
I know that at a minimum, I’m healing myself
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep things that you consider to be intimate private, but there’s also nothing wrong with sharing an important part of yourself and your life with others. Treating sex talk as unseemly or lurid just perpetuates the belief that sex is dirty and that talking about it is somehow slutty or transactional.
Sex is the most natural thing in the world, and it was only with the arrival of patriarchy, about 6 thousand years ago that it began to be stigmatized but also controlled. No longer did a woman’s body belong to her. Instead, it became a piece of property to be transferred from her father to her husband for whatever purposes they deemed appropriate. Sex went from something that was an expression of giving and receiving pleasure and a celebration of the vibrancy of life to something that was done by a man to a woman, whether she wanted it or not or experienced any pleasure.
Women learn in their teens that their sexuality holds power, but also that it can get them into a lot of trouble — from getting labeled a slut to attracting unwanted attention. This is one reason that girls begin to compartmentalize their sexuality at a young age, and only wear it like a special occasion outfit, before putting it back away for later on. They may have been taught that their sexuality is essentially for the benefit of their male partner, so bringing it out in response to his desire is the only appropriate expression of female lust.
Recent research also indicates that the “organizing principle” of female sexuality is the feeling of being desired. As Rabbi Schmuley Boteach has said, “A woman wants to be wanted, needs to be needed, desires to be desired.” She doesn’t want to be approached as a wife/partner, she wants to be approached as a lover. Her natural desire to be desired combined with societal scripts that have taught her that her sexuality is primarily for the pleasure of her man undoubtedly means that she doesn’t have a lot of experience with initiating sex.
Besides these, I believe that one of the main reasons that it takes most women time to “get in the mood” is that they have to first close down other tabs that they have open. Other internal tabs they’ve got open might include work projects, kid’s needs, housework, concerns around aging parents, and other day-to-day activities. Too many other open tabs and she isn’t thinking about sex, much less about initiating it.
There are a lot of nerve endings in the anus, and stimulating them can feel really good to people of any gender. The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone and extends through the entire pelvis. The nub on the outside is literally only the tip of the iceberg and anal play may stimulate the clitoris from the inside, resulting in pleasurable feelings and even orgasm.
As anal sex has become less stigmatized, more heterosexual men have become interested in experiencing pegging. The P-spot (the male equivalent to the G-spot) can only be stimulated through the anus and many men report that orgasms resulting from prostate stimulation feel bigger and more full-body.
For any kind of anal penetration, it’s always good to start slow and start small, gradually training the anus to be comfortable opening over time until something the size of a penis or a dildo can be inserted there. This probably won’t happen in one day, so prepare to take it slow, and proceed at your own pace. Feeling comfortable is not only about using enough lube and going slow. It’s also important to feel emotionally safe and relaxed.
Honestly, Your Penis Is The Least Important Thing About You
Not the most important, as some men seem to believe
Back when I used to be on poly dating sites, I would avoid any profile picture that had a cock in it. From my point of view, if you think that’s the number one most compelling thing about you, then you probably don’t know a lot about women, which means that you are likely to be a subpar lover and companion, and not what I am interested in.
Don’t get me wrong — a dick is a good thing to have and I don’t think there is anything that comes close to the real thing — but beyond the fact that you have one and it works in the usual way, it has little bearing on how you stack up as an attractive sex partner. At least for me, but I think many other people would agree. I don’t know how it is for other people who have sex with penis owners, but I’ll bet it’s largely the same as it is for most women. It isn’t your equipment that makes you a good lover or an attractive man and it’s unfortunate that so many guys seem to be under this misapprehension.
Women have been told their entire lives that their bodies and their sexuality exist for the pleasure of men, and in particular for their man. The orgasm gap exists in part because women are reluctant to ask for their own pleasure. Swinging dismantles these old paradigms and puts women squarely in control of their own sexual enjoyment and expression. A certain percentage of women find through this exploration that they are actually somewhat bisexual.
There was often a lot of kissing between the women at the club and one couple we met told us that the wife was the first one to suggest opening their marriage and that she now has a bevy of adoring female playmates. I didn’t ask where the husband fit into the equation, but he seemed quite happy with the state of things, and their relationship appeared quite close and loving. Many of my first experiences with women were with those I met at the club.
Emotional Intimacy Is More Of A Safety Net Than A Requirement For Female Sexual Desire
Dispelling some old myths about women and sex
The entrenched belief that women want emotional intimacy in order to engage in sex obscures what is actually going on. Having sex is a vulnerable thing, particularly for a woman having sex with a man. Not only are you literally allowing someone else inside of your body, but you are also engaged in an activity that still has a lot of social stigma for women. Even within on-going relationships, women don’t always feel safe to be their full sexual selves due to cultural narratives around what women should be like.
It’s a myth that most women want or need to have emotional closeness in order to experience desire. What they really want is for it to be safe for them to be sexual — physically safe, not judged or shamed, and seen as a person whose preferences and boundaries will be respected — but much of that is in response to societal factors that don’t have much to do with inherent female sexuality.
How Much Like Bonobos Are We?
Primate females seek sexual novelty. Why wouldn’t humans also?
Most people have been taught as a scientific fact that human males are naturally randy and promiscuous, seeking to sow their genetic seed as widely as possible while females are reticent and choosy, prioritizing a provider and intimacy over sexual adventure. This is an important aspect of the Standard Model of Evolution, as was first developed by Charles Darwin. The problem is, no other primates actually behave in this way, and it therefore seems completely unlikely that humans would do so naturally rather than as a part of patriarchal expectations.
Primatologist, Meredith Small notes that seeking novelty is the single most observable trait among all the sexual behaviors, preferences, and drivers of female primates. Female primates are actually the complete opposite of how we’ve been taught to imagine them — as reluctant breeders or seekers of “intimacy” with a single “best” mate or only seeking to mate with the alpha.
“Indeed, Small suggests that it is difficult for us humans to wrap our minds around ‘just how little importance nonhuman female primates attach to knowing a male before they mate with him.’ Au contraire, our primate sisters are sexual adventuresses, driven by the thrill of the unknown and unfamiliar.”
But one time I met a man named Jim who really wanted me to dominate him, and in particular, he wanted me to humiliate him. I wasn’t sure at first that I was up for it, but it did kind of intrigue me. I actually had to do research to get some ideas about this, and about the dynamic as a whole. I’m someone who strives to treat everyone with kindness and respect, so to say that it wasn’t in my natural wheelhouse to intentionally humiliate someone is kind of an understatement.
Still, sometimes it’s fun and beneficial to explore your dark side. Just because it’s something that you’ve never done and never even really considered before, doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be interesting. What I found when I started thinking about doing this was a side of myself that I’d really never known before.
The Argentine lake duck has the longest penis of all vertebrates in relation to body length. Sometimes the penis, when fully erect, can reach about the same length as the animal himself, but is more commonly about half the bird’s length. When not in use, it stays coiled up. “It is theorized that the remarkable size of their spiny penises with bristled tips may have evolved in response to competitive pressure in these highly promiscuous birds, removing sperm from previous matings in the manner of a bottle brush.”
Thank goodness that humans didn’t evolve along the spiny bottle brush route, and simply developed a penile head shape intended to displace other semen from around the cervix. Sperm can live for up to 48 hours in the vaginal canal, and so if you want your DNA to be the one that survives to propagate itself, this is a necessary feature. However, men have to be careful they do not displace their own sperm with this efficient mechanism, and it’s thought that the relatively quick loss of erection after ejaculation, as well as the shallower, slower thrusting at this point, keeps that from occurring.
Why Don’t We Believe That Porn Influences Culture?
Even though advertising and other media clearly do
Most people generally understand that porn is entertainment and is not a depiction of what actual sex is like, at least in theory. But unconscious beliefs about sex will arise when you’ve seen them depicted repeatedly in a particular way. Even if you’d like to think that you aren’t influenced by what you continuously put into your head, you most definitely are.
Back in the days when I was first sexually active, long before the internet, men did not expect to ejaculate on a woman’s face or breasts, and they certainly didn’t think that choking or stuffing your fingers in a woman’s mouth were a part of regular routine sex. That is a result of the internet and the types of porn that are most widely available for free online.
“According to a 2010 study that analyzed 304 scenes from best-selling pornography videos, almost 90% of scenes contained physical aggression, while nearly 50% contained verbal aggression, primarily in the form of name-calling. Targets of these displays of aggression were overwhelmingly women and either showed pleasure or neutrality in response to the aggression.” (2)
Having A Great Three-Way Relationship
Three-way sex may be one and done, but what if you want to keep things going and have an actual relationship?
Three-way sex is one thing that certainly comes with its own challenges as well as its own upsides, but how do you actually keep a three-way relationship afloat when having a healthy relationship with just one other person is hard enough? I think that the answer lies in the fact that polyamorous relationships have no inherent structure or rules and so you and your partners have to actually craft one that works for you. Bringing that level of intention and flexibility to the table actually helps a lot because preconceived ideas and traditional roles are less likely to get in the way.
Of course, it doesn’t always happen like this, but most of the three-way relationships I know about began with two people who then added a third in. Although this can present its own issues sometimes, depending on the couple, I think that it’s actually a good idea to start like this. When you have two people with a strong and stable relationship who already know each other well, adding in a third person impacts the relationship learning curve in a good way.
Full Hips And Large Breasts Don’t Actually Signal Fertility
Our notions about beauty are cultural, not evolutionary
There’s this pervasive cultural narrative that early women looked for the best hunter/provider and only wanted to mate with him. Early men looked for the woman most likely to bear him healthy children, and large breasts and wide hips were an indication of this. I’m not sure how these notions arose, but they don’t have a lot of basis in reality.
In fact, there are so many things wrong with this narrative that I almost don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with the most glaring. If it were indeed the case that voluptuous women were the most fertile, it would be to our evolutionary advantage for the woman pictured above to have been the beauty ideal throughout history. In fact, she’d still be our ideal woman, rather than one who looks like she hasn’t eaten in months with a great “thigh gap.” Despite the recent popularity of Kim Kardashian, a woman who looks like she is just a few steps above a concentration camp victim is still a prevalent ideal presented to our society.
#4 The Luge
This is the big gun of using the body as a drinks dispenser because it requires nudity and at least 3 people to pull it off. It’s also the most difficult to get right and therefore the most likely to go awry. Here’s what you need:
- A naked woman to act as the luge.
- Someone below her to catch the liquor in their mouth
- Someone to pour
The naked woman gets on all fours, with her ass in the air. This seems to work best on a bed lined with towels rather than on a kitchen counter, which tends to be a bit too high. The drinker lays on their back and puts their face between her legs and the third person pours liquor down her ass crack so that it slides through her pussy before landing in the waiting mouth. This is not as simple as it sounds although it’s very hot to watch.
Vodka is good for this since it’s clear and less likely to be burning to sensitive flesh than some other choices. You probably want to put some into a double shot glass, rather than trying to pour from the bottle because it’s important to find a balance between volume and swiftness. Not enough volume and it will just trickle into the eyes of the person waiting below. Too much volume and it will waterboard them. You want to be able to do it quickly and decisively without pouring too much at a time. You might want to put a washcloth over your eyes, but then you’ll miss out on the visual stimulation of watching your drink slide down a woman’s nether regions before it reaches your waiting mouth.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020
Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.