My friend, women are complaining because they don’t get the kind of sex that they want. They get bored with crappy lovers who don’t care about their pleasure. You don’t know much about women if you think they don’t have pent up desires. Most erotica writers are female. Most of the people who write about sex on Medium are female. Check out Yael Wolfe, Ena Dahl, Demeter deLune, Pua Nani and others if you want to get some insight into how real women feel about sex.

“Women are just as sexual as men and have only been socialized to not appear so. Recent research discussed in Wednesday Martin’s book Untrue indicates, “Women crave novelty and variety and adventure at least as much as men, and maybe more.” But women who connect with the depth of their sexual desire may still face censure from without and within.

Sexual double standards and slut-shaming are still pervasive, and many women have a lot of internalized stories and shame.”

“For most of patriarchal history, women were considered to be distressingly carnal — a constant temptation to men who were thought to be much more rational and moderate. It’s a relatively recent belief that men are more sexual than women, or that they are unable to control their sexual desires in ways that women can. This notion was no doubt brought about as a function of patriarchal norms that required a women’s sexuality to be only in the service of her husband, rather than a thing in and of itself — an integral part of her humanity.

Our prior beliefs about women and sexuality have also failed to take into account the way that female libido shuts down when it is not sufficiently engaged. Recent research reveals that women get bored with monogamy even before men do. Over-familiarization with a partner and desexualization kills female libido.

If a woman’s desire significantly decreases 2 or 3 years into a relationship, it’s quite likely because she is no longer being courted in the same way where she feels the heat and passion of being desired. She may become somewhat bored with the same old partner if their sexual intimacy has become routine and uninspired. This may look like a lost interest in sex, but what it really indicates is a loss of interest in that kind of sex. This boredom does not have to be managed by bringing in other partners. It can be addressed by employing variety and passion within the existing relationship.”

“As Yael says, “We’ve been taught our bodies aren’t sexy enough and at the same time, are lewd and corrupting. We’ve been taught that talking about sex is inappropriate. We’ve been shamed for having desire, let alone expressing it.” This results in many women being very disconnected from their sexual selves or in keeping their sexuality very compartmentalized and separate from the rest of themselves.

Women learn in their teens that their sexuality holds power, but also that it can get them into a lot of trouble — from getting labeled a slut to attracting unwanted attention. This is one reason that girls begin to compartmentalize their sexuality at a young age, and only wear it like a special occasion outfit, before putting it back away for later on. They may have been taught that their sexuality is essentially for the benefit of their male partner, so bringing it out in response to his desire is the only appropriate expression of female lust.”

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store