It’s old…….it’s absolutely very, very old! And as sorry as I am that you are having to experience this attitude also, I very much value and appreciate the clear way that you articulated what is in play.

A while back I was talking with a Medium “frenemy” about my relationships. He was utterly convinced that I’d forced James into poly life because I was bored and no longer respected him (because he wasn’t acting like “the head of the household” — snort, gag!) He was incensed that I had another partner but James didn’t. I told him over and over again about how we never see anyone alone, and that although we spent time with women, up until that point, James hadn’t had the same kind of emotional attachment that I have to my other partner. I repeatedly talked about three-ways and he still kept coming after me. I finally realized that he just had no way to conceptualize a situation where my husband would consent to having sex with me with another man present and having sex with me too; that he would not only allow such a thing, but actually enjoy it. To him, three-way always meant one man and two women.

Soon after, I wrote I Feel Sorry for Alphas. What a sad guy duped by society into believing he could never show vulnerability to the woman in his life; that he had to always be the confident leader of his family, etc., etc., ad nauseaum!

What’s really interesting is that, from my experience, when women get freed up from this control loop and get to be their true selves, the primary man in their life is the one who most benefits — sexually, and in all other ways.

Really great piece — I wish I could give it more than 50 claps!

Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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