I’m not advocating for a world order — I’m recommending a better, saner way of engaging in society. Much of what you’ve said here reflects the notion that individuals are an island and that they have full agency and responsibility to create their own lives — which completely neglects to acknowledge that no man (or woman) is an island and that we live in a society; that power dynamics are an actual thing, and that not everyone starts with the same opportunities. To say something like female lawyers are welcome to behave however they want is to ignore the fact that if they do so, they overwhelmingly will never have any work. It’s the functional equivalent of saying that you are welcome to not abide by the “rules” of where you work. Of course you are, but then you’ll also most likely get fired. That’s not an actual choice. You seem to be able to look at societal problems only through the lens of personal identity, and that’s not a particularly useful or functional thing to do.

I’m not seeking to impose anything on anyone. I’m simply using examples from my work and life to illustrate how imminently possible it is to function in ways that are not a dominance hierarchy. I have no basis for assessing whether or not you and your wife actually do whatever you want, but most monogamous relationships are based in some measure of control. It’s constantly reflected back to us every song on the radio, in nearly every movie, in every issue of US magazine…………If you’ve somehow managed to escape that in your relationship, good for you, but having been in a pretty egalitarian monogamous relationship that is now polyamorous, I will say from personal experience, there is a real difference that didn’t show so clearly until the paradigm changed.

To excuse men’s aggressiveness towards women by saying that women are a perceived as a scarce commodity is perhaps the single most off-base thing you’ve ever said in the context of this conversation. It’s quite frankly hugely offensive and dismissive of the systemic abuse that women have suffered and continue to suffer as relates to this topic although it is an extremely clear illustration of just how toxic and abominable the dominance hierarchy system truly is! I won’t quote you statistics around this as they are readily available and quite frankly something you should already be aware of if you are paying attention at all. That you continue to insist on “not knowing” these things means there is little chance of me making a dent in your well constructed bastion of defensiveness around all of this, so I’m not going to attempt to any longer.

Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store