I too like to interact with people and their ideas and so I appreciate your lengthy response. I don’t completely agree with everything that you’ve said, but again, that isn’t necessary for us to have an interesting and civil conversation.

The deal with true ethical non-monogamy is to talk, and talk and talk some more; typically way more than typical monogamous couples do and then to co-create the relationship(s). Do people grow and change and potentially want different things down the line — sure. And then you see if you can come to a renegotiation, and if you can’t you probably part ways. But the difference is that since no one person has to meet all needs, there’s a bit more leeway, and fears around losing someone are reduced because just because they take up with someone else has no bearing on whether or not you are going to potentially lose them — because someone could have dozens of partners of various sorts if they were so inclined.

It’s not a zero sum game and so I’ll stand by my assertion that jealousy is primarily the issue of the person who is having it. You don’t have to agree but functionally speaking, that’s how it’s worked in my life and the lives of those I’ve known in this lifestyle. This is in part because most people’s poly boundaries are around honesty and transparency and as long as that is being maintained (the ethical part) it’s not really that big a deal for people to be with other people. The only potential place this might come in is as relates to time spent together and again, I’ve seen that work just fine for many people.

I have a friend who has 3 steady boyfriends and then a couple of people she plays with from time to time. She is good friends with one of her exes and even better friends with his wife. They all just had Thanksgiving together. And again, that’s not going to work for everyone but when you take out the all-or-nothing factor and everyone is actually doing their own emotional work, there’s a good chance it will work at least as reliably or better than other kinds of human relationships.

I’ll definitely be interested in your article on whether or not love is infinite. I certain believe that it is.


Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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