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Photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography on Unsplash

I seriously need a wife! I’m not talking about a pretty woman in a white dress who will promise to love me forever. As much as I love kissing women, what I need is a lot more fundamental to the meaning of that word, and a lot less glamorous. The party and the white dress last for one day. What I need is someone who can be here on a regular basis to give me a hand.

This is not a dig at James. He does a lot around the house, but in part because I work from home and don’t have set hours, and he goes out to the office, there are a lot of tasks that just kind of fall to me. I don’t mind a certain amount of that, but after being together for almost 30 years, there are certain things I’m just kind of done with. Getting the mail is one of those. Today is Thursday, and I just went to the mailbox for the first time this week. Needless to say it was stuffed. It will probably be another couple of days before I bother to look at what I’ve brought in. If I had a wife, she could do that for me. She could pay the bills and recycle the junk mail instead of it all piling up on the kitchen counter until I get sick of looking at it or things start cascading off into the dog’s water bowl.

I’d also like to have my wife make dinner. It’s not that I hate cooking, although I don’t really love it the way that James does. It’s just that late afternoon is a particularly productive time for me, and I hate to cut that short just so that we can have something to eat. I did cook a nice meal for his birthday the other day, but in most cases I’m throwing together some type of semi-homemade thing at the last minute. Trader Joe’s is definitely my friend.

A few weeks ago James made a gourmet feast for my book club meeting. He filled everyone’s plates, topped off their drinks throughout the meal, and cleared the table when we were done. Then he did the dishes, while I sat in the dining room talking to my guests about the book. If I had a wife, I could have that kind of treatment during the week as well.

We did recently invest in the new Roomba that empties it’s own dirt container and recharges itself. It was an investment, but I do like being able to tell my own private Rosie the robot maid to vacuum the kitchen without having to stop what else I’m doing. It’s hooked up to our Google Home, and although I was originally skeptical about the need for such a contraption, since it facilitates Rosie being able to take voice commands, I’m now a big fan. Having a robot that keeps the pet hair from turning into tumbleweeds that roll across the floor is absolutely a blessing, but until they invent a real Rosie with arms who can get and go through my mail and who can cook some of our meals, I’m really going to need that wife!

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Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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