I appreciated hearing your story and am glad that you figured out what was best for you and your relationship. My experience with something at least a little bit similar is entirely different. It was in polyamory that my husband and I found are truest, best selves as individuals and where our relationship as a couple truly bloomed — although it was already very good before that.

Maybe the reason that we had such a positive experience is that we were in a deeply connected and sexually adventurous place in our 20+ year relationship when we opened up for the purposes of continuing to enhance that. It doesn’t mean that there weren’t any bumps along the way, because there certainly were, but mostly that was a by-product of deprogramming ourselves from societal demands and expectations. Eventually we learned how to stop living by other people’s rules and to truly co-create a relationship that works for us (and the other people that we are involved with).

You get to live life your way, but your headline is a bit chauvinistic, I have to say. Some people have great monogamous relationships, but a lot of people don’t. It’s a relationship paradigm that has some built in hierarchy and quite often things like possessiveness are considered right and natural.

Not all polyamorous people are doing their personal work, but a lot of them are. Ethical non-monogamy is a lifestyle that encourages honesty, integrity, self-responsibility, and good communication. It encourages working on yourself and your relationships more fully than monogamy does — at least as a relationship system. Results amongst humans may vary.

As Joe Duncan says, “One of the most interesting aspects, for me, of living a long-term polyamorous relationship, one which fosters multiple deep, caring, loving, emotional connections with multiple people, is that there is always an additional set of eyes watching; this curbs the power struggle in my experiences with poly.”

I’ve found polyamory to be incredibly healing and personally empowering. I’ve learned a lot about myself and have deepened my relationship with my husband, as well as learned to share my life with other people too, and it’s brought me a lot of pleasure and joy. Absolutely, do what works for you, but realize that the people involved are more of what’s at issue than the relationship systems themselves and that polyamory can be very egalitarian, healthy, and satisfying.

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Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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