I appreciate your thoughts and good intentions and in general, I agree. I just don’t want to be “in the closet,” something that takes a well-documented toll on people. It was less of a problem earlier, but as these aspects of my life become a larger part of them, the tension grows. For example, I heard from my editor this morning that two of my erotica stories are about to be published and will have worldwide distribution. I’m incredibly excited about it, but if the answer to “What’s new with you?” has to be “Oh, nothing really,” that’s pretty stifling and heading in the direction of truly living a double life on a broad scale, which doesn’t appeal to me.
If I’m not supposed to/allowed to talk about that with many of the people I’m supposedly close to even though it’s a major event in my life, then I’m expending a lot of my own energy not just being neutral, but affirmatively hiding large aspects of who I am for other people’s comfort. I’m not sure how much longer I can actually do that but it doesn’t make feeling othered or judged any easier or better even though it’s my choice to potentially open myself up to that or not. That’s all I’m saying.
Part of why I wrote this was as a way to grapple with and process this dynamic and get a bit clearer about what I want to do in the face of it. It wasn’t just to complain but to help me sort it out better in my own mind. I don’t necessarily need to tell every person I meet all about my atypical life, but where is the line? How much information goes to whom? That’s what I’m trying to work with.