Having had a good night’s rest, I’m back to set a few things straight. Female sex drive is just as strong as men’s. The places where it doesn’t look like that is so are either due to cultural conditioning against it (slut shaming) or boredom. When women get bored with monogamy (and they do long before men) they tend to shut down their sexual selves.

“New findings showed that women reported similar intensities of desire and arousal to men, and “a real shift in thinking” about females and monogamy. “We were taught that men were the ones who needed variety, but the exact opposite turns out to be the case,” says Martin. “Overfamiliarisation with a partner and desexualisation kills women’s libido. We used to think it’s only men who became sexually bored after marriage; turns out that’s not true. It’s when women get married that it’s detrimental to their libido.”

Secondly, although I have sympathy for your story, you persist in making sweeping generalizations that aren’t true. Yes, men hiring sex workers do face risks; they don’t face the same kind that the women who do that work face. Fifty clients were not killed by sex workers last year. The risks are not identical — not by a long shot.

In your other comment, you are blaming women for wanting “all this emotional stuff.” Besides the hormones that are released during sex which encourage feelings of bonding and affection, 10K years of patriarchy has enforced, sometimes with death, that women must only have sex within marriage (and then within relationships). For 97% of human history, women and men had a largely egalitarian existence, based in pleasure and cooperation. Strict pair bonding was neither required nor expected. You keep blaming women for a system that has been imposed upon them by a patriarchal society. And yes, women help to uphold patriarchy as well, so this gets enforced society-wide. You also seem to want to live in a world where you can consume female sexuality as a commodity, and then are upset when women don’t care for that. Treating even a sex worker like a real human being that you are engaged with as a person, and not just a living sex toy, is going to give you a better sexual experience every time.

“Marriage, as we consider it today, did not exist before patriarchy, which arose with the advent of agriculture. Once paternity becomes important because you have land and possessions to pass along to your heirs, control of women becomes intrinsic, and they are then held in a status that is somewhere between child and chattel, under the control of fathers and husbands where their sexual and social lives could be monitored.

Small bands of hunter/gatherers with strong kinship bonds would have cared for all children born into that group, regardless of paternity, which would have been unknowable without the sequestering and control of women. Because all food acquisition would have been done in groups and shared communally, there is no biological incentive to mating with the best provider. It was only with patriarchy that the role of a provider becomes important. Women no longer had any autonomy and had only one mate upon whom they were entirely dependent. It is only within this context that a good provider begins to truly matter.

If you are prohibited from providing for yourself and your children and must rely on only one man to do that, then it is in your best interests to find a man who can do that well. Whereas, if you had been an adept gatherer, you might not have even needed a hunter at all.”

When Darwin observed that females of many species were naturally coy and choosy and reticent, sexually speaking, and males were naturally competitive and randy, he set us on a course by distorting the lens through which we view behavior. What we know today thanks to mostly female primatologists, anthropologists, and sex researchers is that when the context is right, female sexuality is assertive, adventurous, and what we call “promiscuous.”

The great anthropologist and comparativist Sarah Hrdy tells us that, across species, including among humans, the best mother for many eons was the one who was, under particular and far-from-rare ecological circumstances, promiscuous. By being so, she could hedge against male infertility, up her odds of a healthy pregnancy and robust offspring, and create a wider network of support by lining up two or three males who figured the offspring might be theirs.

Rather than continuing to blame women for everything wrong in your life, you really ought to blame the patriarchy, a dominance hierarchy where only a few elite White males get to live at the apex of the pyramid and everyone else has to constantly fight for position, power, and place.

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Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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