Cheering for your vulnerability and willingness to engage with things that aren’t neatly packaged. It takes more guts than most people have. Five years ago I was pretty much where you are now, except that I was in a very good relationship, but also wanting more somehow.
“You just don’t understand that you deserve a relationship that gives you everything you want.” This statement, which I’m not judging, because it’s the way most people have been taught to think, presumes that one great relationship can give you that. For me, and in truth, for most people, that actually isn’t really accurate. Multiple partners has upped my intimacy with James and also added in intimacy with the other people that we see. That’s what I really love about it, because I’m an intimacy junky as well.
Hang in there — I think you are on the right path to finding what feeds your soul in the way that works for you. In the end, that’s all that really matters.