But the problem with this is, you know that in this instance you are OK with him ravaging you but how does he know that unless you tell him. Date rape is the most common form, and it’s due in large part to men assuming that the woman wants to be ravaged whether she actually does or not. Since he can’t read your mind, you need to make it clear to him somehow that he has your permission. What is a major boundary for someone else might not be to you and vice versa. Expecting men to know what your limits and preferences are without actually communicating them is completely unfair and probably what leads to some guys being overly tentative because they think the only other option is to be overly aggressive and potentially cause offense.

There must be dozens or even hundreds of ways to playfully and sexily talk about parameters. “When we get home, I want you to ravage me” isn’t going to take all the spontaneity out of that actually happening, and once you’ve established that this is the kind of thing that you enjoy, the communication can become more and more non-verbal. But even being explicitly verbal doesn’t take any of the sexiness away. More than once I’ve told a man, “You’re in charge right now. Do what you want to with me.” It was sexy as hell to say it and it was hot for him to hear it. It didn’t diminish what happened afterward in any way.

I get that the kind of interactions around consent that you are having are not working for you, but the answer isn’t to do away with any consent questions. It’s just to communicate more fully earlier on about what is on the menu for the evening and then everyone is free to enjoy it.

Dispelling cultural myths with research-driven stories. My favorite word is “specious.” Not fragile like a flower; fragile like a bomb! Twitter @ElleBeau

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